Self-certification mortgages seem great from the outside. Back in 2005, as a self-employed and penniless Countdown aficionado, I thought my luck was in when I managed to buy a tiny flat by the seaside. The bank and the estate agents were perfectly prepared to fleece me for my pretence of earnings. Two years down the line however, the charade found me living in a car.

Personal self-certification or self-identification as it’s known in the trade, is a complete fabrication of reality - the inevitable consequence of the left’s incessant war on facts. You have to be careful with those things; if you don’t watch it, they can get out of hand – people start doing crazy things like believing them.

Luckily we all have the left to guide us in matters of social etiquette, and can easily avoid such faux pas. Race is a social construct, as we all know (unless you hate white people, in which case have at it); there are infinite genders (until you need someone to pick up the tab), and the contents of your pants is of no interest - unless you’re in possession of a penis, in which case a #MeToo-sponsored rape charge is only ever a Supreme Court nomination away.

Pioneers of the self-identification movement cornered the market early. If you didn’t know better, you’d swear that Shaun King was white, Caitlyn Jenner was a man, and Elizabeth Warren was 1023/1024th's non-Native American.

The recipe for such insanity is a crude mixture of two potent ingredients: the denial of truth, and the weaponisation of offence. Indeed, the two naturally go hand-in-hand: if no one is allowed to criticise your madness, how can it be madness?

For a case in point, consider Linda Sarsour: darling of the political left, face of the Women’s March, and part-time terrorist sympathiser. Sarsour’s victim CV is impressive, hitting the trifecta of female Muslim immigrant nicely. Criticise her for anything, and she has an ism ready to go. Her one problem (as Sarsour herself acknowledges) is her whiteness:

‘When I wasn't wearing a hijab I was just some ordinary white girl from New York City.’

Cue self-identification, and mysteriously the problem dissolves:

‘I'm Palestinian, if I want to say 'I'm black' - I'm black!’

Self-identification has its teething problems however, as the more genteel bathers at the Hampstead Heath Ladies Pond soon discovered. You can support self-identification all you like, but when the result is a remarkably penis-shaped vagina being waved in your face, it’s a bit harder to swallow.

Having created this all-inclusive mosquito, the left is now spending an inordinate amount of time getting bitten on the arse by it. Indeed, given enough time the left can destroy anything – a horribly PC A-team if you will. Lock them in a vacuum and they’d find a way to weaponise it, just ask J K Rowling.

What the left have failed to glean in their never-ending crusade for equality (and the public lynching of those daring to question it), is that two can play that game. Even as we speak, evil white males, whom the left habitually blame for everything, are dipping their toes in the water.

The majority of patriarchal fieldwork comes under the ‘trans’ umbrella, with men realising that competing as women gives them the upper hand. Whether it’s Rachel McKinnon in cycling, Mack Beggs in wrestling, or Laurel Hubbard in weightlifting, self-identification gets results.

New avenues for exploration are being found on a daily basis. Only this week, it was reported that white actor and ‘born-again African’ Anthony Lennon (make that, Anthony Ekundayo Lennon) has received taxpayer funding earmarked for ethnic minorities. Meanwhile, that 15-year-old Syrian migrant doing PE at school with your daughter is actually 30. Shocked? No, neither was I.

The only glimmer of hope on the horizon for Homo sapiens, appears to be the resistance with which equality for men is met, for it is here where everyone immediately stops playing the game. With the recent proposals to make misogyny a hate crime, it was also suggested that misandry too should be considered. Here was the Independent’s uncompromising response:

‘The fact that we're considering making misandry a hate crime should concern everyone who believes in equality: It seems there’s nothing women can have – not even their status as a marginalised sex class – that men will not expect them to share’

Equality eh? It’s just not fair.

You can self-identify all you want, but in the end reality will assert itself. On the day the cheques start to bounce, the Wonderbra-cushioned breast implants may not. Like the Emperor, we are all inevitably left naked for the world to see.

The only saving grace of the self-identification racket, is the inescapable denouement to which it is surely condemned: when a transgender female successfully sues a transgender male for mansplaining, surely we will have peaked as a species? Just one thing, can we get Linda Sarsour to front it?